what they tell you
April 15, 2003 2:25 a.m.
This isn't what they told you would happen. They told you that you would go to college to get an education, become marketable for the job field. They told you that college was an opportunity you couldn't pass up. They told you that you should, because you were smart enough, or talented enough, or driven enough.What they didn't tell you is how much it can hurt when you're the one who is wronged, or you're the one who is wrong. They didn't tell you just how much work it would be, and how little respect you would get for it. They didn't tell you that it would never really get any easier, just harder and harder. They didn't tell you that college is not about partying. As much as you wish it was, it's just not that simple.
You can tell yourself that if you can make it through three more weeks, it will be summer and you can escape this place. The hallowed halls of academia are not all they're cracked up to be. You can tell yourself that a summer away from your friends will make them appreciate you more, or maybe even care. But you know you're lying to yourself. You can talk yourself into going to class, doing your work, memorizing your lines... but you can't talk it into meaning anything. No matter how much you try, you can't force it to be meaningful. You can't force relationships to grow. You can't force friendships to prosper. You can't make people willing to listen to another viewpoint. And you certainly can't force people to be openminded.
You can't end pettiness. You can't ignore the gossip. You can't even eat the food here.
You can't escape stereotypes. Either you are too tall, too short, too fat or too skinny. You are too white, too black, too brown, or too yellow. You are too straight, or too gay. You can't escape the politics that go with these labels. You can't even escape the labels themselves. You just have to live with discrimination and the antagonism of those who aren't just like you. Good luck finding those who are.
You'll feel like your alone in the universe, then realize that you can't have a new york minute to yourself. You'll come to new realizations that privacy is a farce, and locked doors are only temptation instead of a deterrent. You'll learn to set your boundaries harshly, because once people find them, they will tear them down as painfully as possible. You'll learn to hide your emotions and pretend you don't care when they hurt you.
You'll learn to hide the scars you carry, the battles you have fought and won mean nothing now. You'll learn to hide your fresh wounds, you'll get no sympathy here. Eventually, you will get to the point where you realize what an utter farce it is, and that will be your turning point, your epiphany, nay... your rock bottom. And you will realize that no matter what you say or do, nothing will ever change. They world will pull you along and drown you if you fight too hard. It is then that you will have lost your dreams. It is then that you will be ready for the world that was once promised you, but now owns you.
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