my needs
September 17, 2002 2:03 p.m.
I'm so fucking hurt right now. I can't believe you thought that, or wrote that. I can't believe you jumped to so many conclusions.No, it's not always about you. Lately, all the drama we've had has fallen by the wayside because of the drama at home. If I'm not thinking about you, why did I purposely not ask you to read me? I know that the reason I didn't is becuase I know my emotions are so fucked up that it would hurt you. But I doubt you knew.
You didn't know that the reason I went home is that I needed to see for myself what was happening there. I had a chance, a little window of opportunity to go, and I took it. I needed to go home for my mother, and for my father. When I walked in the door, he asked for a hug. It's been years since he's done that.
I needed to go home last night because I needed family night at Nelson's house. I needed to walk in the back door, pet Shadow, throw off my shoes and walk into the living room where they already knew it was me without even seeing. I needed to go and cry on Nels's shoulder. He's been there for me for five years, and he knows that sometimes silence is the best thing to say. I needed to hold his son is my arms and remember that there are families out there who remember how to love. I needed to answer his neverending questions, and kiss his boo-boos, and remind myself of how it feels to be needed and loved unconditionally.
Now, I need to stop crying. I need to convince myself to go back to you tonight. Not to hate you for what you've said, and to try to understand what you were thinking. I need to convince my heart that it's better off to walk away from home today. When I know I won't return for a long time. I need to tell myself, honestly, that moving down the hall into the single is not the best solution. I know I need to do these things, but I don't know if I can.
rewind
- fast
forward
