time and realization for myself.
September 25, 2002 8:34 p.m.
The entire world seems quieter today. Maybe the excitement of life is wearing off. Perhaps, after a month, the novelty of the new school year is gone and we settle back into the rut, in for the long haul. (I'm using as many cliches as possible if you noticed.) The books that have long threatened to take over my shelves have fulfilled their promise, I've reached the point in classes where I'm comfortable enough with the professor to disagree with them, and I've found a tenuous balance with my roommate.It's been such a shock to me, and nothing like I ever thought it would be. At first, I think we both expected me to be much more like Christy. But I think we're over that now. I'm getting to the point where I feel comfortable enough to leave the bras on the icicle lights indefinitely, not clean up before we have (planned) company, yell at her to take her garbage out, or turn her music down, or to make the verbal jabs that I had forsaken for the past month.
I'm resolving my own issues slowly. Working through them like a detective. Finding motives and means. Tracing the emotion back to the source. Not taking it at surface value. Being honest with myself before anyone else. Getting over guilt trips from Mom, and dealing with my feelings towards Dad. Realizing that nothing I can do will ever change their actions, I just have to deal with them as they come. I'm running "hot and cold" as Jess tells me, but I'm realizing much quicker and understanding why. I'm paying attention to what my body is telling me. Sleeping when it asks, feeding it whether it seems to need it or not. It's thanking me. It's much calmer as a result.
I'm resolved to being me. And to not changing for anyone else. But at the same time, I'm being more considerate of those around me. I'm biting my tongue, and watching my back. It may not seem it to those around me. But it is visible to me. I'm refraining from posting my first impulsive ranting on here. Instead, I'm leaving this for my own private dramas. Maybe that's why it's more vaugue than normal as of late. The world doesn't realize my victories in the last few weeks. But I do, and that means more than outside approval ever could. I'm no longer my own worst critic, and that is worthy of a standing ovation.
rewind
- fast
forward
