mixtape

Let Him Go

October 29, 2003 2:55 p.m.

It's been 10 full months since I've had a real conversation with him. It's been 10 months since we have spent time together just because we can, since we have driven aimlessly, since we have shared a stolen hour in a dunkindonuts miles from home. And in those 10 months, so much has changed, in me, in him. I've grown up since I left, there is no denying. But these past 10 months, I've given up on being the first one to apologize. The card I bought, with full intention to mail with full apologies, sits forgotten in a desk drawer. I haven't talked to him since this school year began, and almost daily I look at his name on my buddy list and wonder if he ever does the same. Perhaps I have been too unforgiving, perhaps he hasn't been understanding enough, I don't presume to know what wrongs either of us have committed. I just know that I can't be the one who reaches out any more. I can't now, I can't ever. I have changed too much, I have learned to much, I hoard every hard won bit of self-respect far too preciously to prostrate myself and beg forgiveness for his attitude. I have made my share of mistakes, I have fallen (painfully) off every pedestal I have ever been placed on. But I can't do this now.

I want to be able to tell him that I'm in a show again. I want to be able to call him at midnight and sing to him, and share the little stories of rehearsal that no one else finds as funny as I do. I want to be able to ask him about crushes, to give advice about dating and life and the meaning of the universe. But I just want to rest too...

I want to have what we used to share. But I feel like we have grown too far apart to ever regain that. So for tonight, and tomorrow, and the foreseeable future, I will take this song to heart. I'll let him go, I'll let him do his growing without me. I will always love him in the way I did. I owe him more than my life, and I will never forget it. But for now, I'll let him go, and hope someday that our paths will cross again.

Let Him Go

The only way to free yourself
Let him go
It doesn’t mean you love him less
Let him go

To hold onto a fantasy
Will hurt you in the end
Let him go
And gain a closer friend

I don’t say it’s easy though
If you want to let him know
How much you really love him
Let him go

I don’t know why
I’m holding on
Let him go
For in my heart
I’ve always known
Let him go

The hardest part of loving him
Is knowing it must end
Let him go
Why settle for pretend

It if try to tell him so
Tell-tale signs may start to show
How much I really love him
Let him go

Don’t stay shut away with all those might have beens
Open doors to what may be instead
That’s the light that guides us through the change of scenes
Those in betweens we dread

Though the healing may be slow
When we grow apart we grow
Show how much you love him
You’ll know how much you love him
Let him go

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