Swedish fish and other food for thought
July 26, 2002 5:12 a.m.
I have flames dancing in my eyeballs because Jessie has been coming up with a new banner for the top of her live journal. I love helping, but frankly, blue flames start to hurt after a while.Tonight was a change. I took Amber (one of the other Floor Monitors) a bag of pretzel bites that I made at home and ended up staying for nearly two and a half hours, just talking and getting to know each other. We talked about amazingly deep things. Out of nowhere she asked me "What makes you happy?" It's a frightening question. Espescially when you realize you don't quite know the answer. She explained to me that she hates shallow friendships with people. I totally understand where she is coming from, and the conversation we had tonight gave me more insight into her than I have had nearly all summer.
"What is one thing you would change about your life so far?" and "What is your favorite thing to touch?" Simple questions I'm sure, but they can be such profound answers. We poured out our answers over a pile of generic Swedish Fish, and I decided that the biggest thing that I would change is my relationship with my father. I still cry when I hear Butterfly Kisses, because I know that my relationship with my father will never be that simple. There are all these bizarre crosses between criticism and love. Like in his mind the two are the same. I wish he would open his eyes and open his mind. Even if he couldn't act like he loved me, not act like he hated me.
Vain hopes I suppose. It takes quite a jolt to get him to change his ways. But I can still dream right? I just wish that he understood where I'm coming from. I wish he understood that I'm not going to make the same mistakes he did, or the same mistakes his other children did. I come first in my life, and I won't let anyone change that.
Do you know what I finally realized makes me happy? Being in control of myself. And now that I've learned that, no one is going to take that from me.
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