changing me first
January 16, 2003 8:44 a.m.
It's so hard to let everything go when you come back for a new semester. No matter what I promise myself, I know that I will always have a tendency to hold onto grudges. Even nurse them, though I don't like to admit it. I want to forget about things, but my own perverse memory never fails. The things I want to remember slip away, and the things I want to forget stay etched like acid on my grey matter.I want to forgive and forget, but i haven't the capacity, or the will.
There are so many expectations I have for this semester. I keep telling myself that I will do better. That Jess and I will get along better. That the whole GROUP will get along better. I don't want to fall into the same mistakes over and over again. The first time something goes wrong, you can easily blame it on outside forces and deny your own part in it. But now, I have reached the second, third, even fourth times of making the same mistakes, and I am forced to take a real look at what I'm doing. What CAN I change that will make me a better person? What can I really accomplish here on this lonely planet? Am I really making the impact that I want to?
I know that the answer to the last question is an emphatic "NO!". But I'm not quite sure what to change first. Perhaps that's what my class with Maynard this semester will teach me. How to start.
rewind
- fast
forward
