The Burned Bridges of Northumberland County
July 09, 2003 12:09 a.m.
Jason,I used to be convinced that I could never forgive you. Even when I felt at my most compassionate, the thought of you made me shiver with repressed emotion. I felt betrayed, humiliated, and drained by you. I thought that everything you had once been in my eyes was simply what I had wanted to see. I felt disillusioned by not only life in general, but even more so by you.
I never did find out what truly happened until weeks after it all ended. The conversations that I never heard sealed the fate of our friendship without me ever knowing why. I wish I could have had that closure. It seems like it has been an eternity since I have talked to you on the phone, even though I know it has been less than two years.
Now, I have watched from a thousand miles away while my roommate has struggle through her tumultuos relationship with Marci. It reminds me of you and me. I want to reach out and try to see if there is any chance of saving any relationship between us, or if I am better off just giving up and moving on. I know better than to think that we could ever just pick off where we left off. We are both much different people than we were two years ago. You are now 18 years old, an adult. I am going to be a Junior in College this year. It's hard to believe that our friendship started four years ago. I am so different now from who I was then. I'm no longer the desperate girl I was then. I know who I am and I am comfortable with that knowledge. I am discovering more about myself now than I ever dreamed existed before. And I ache that I can't watch you grow and learn the same things once you get to college.
I watch you sign online these last few days, struggling with myself about whether or not I should say Hello. Every time, I stop in fear of being rejected without ever having a chance. We're both to strong minded for our own good. At least, that's how I remember us. I hear rumours with your name attached every so often. I pick up the paper and see your name mentioned and wonder how you are. Wonder why you switched shops at the Vo-Tech, how you did in your math classes when I knew you had once struggled so hard with them. I wish that I had dared come to your graduation. But my own reluctance to be part of this community again was greater than any desire I felt to see even you, Annie, and Stef walk across that stage.
Now, I feel like I am moving on to an even better stage in my life. I am optimistic and I can imagine a future for myself. I find myself valued in my community and respected for what I contribute. But I have several regrets, and you are at the top of that list. Our bridges were burned out from under us, but I'm slowly rebuilding my side, board by board. It's slow, every board and nail costs me cherished grudges that I must give up if I ever want to heal this gap. I have no desire to ever be like we once were. I don't think we could ever make it that far together, and it would hurt us both far too much. But someday, I want to be able to bring my roommate home with me and be able to say "This is Jason, he was my best friend in high school, and I don't know what I would have done without him." So I hope some day you will read this, and be able to understand how I feel and what I mean. I hope someday you'll catch me when I go down to my half of our bridge and dangle my feet in the water of our memories. For they are so treasured to me that I will never stop revisiting.
My wishes with you as you start your new life this fall,
Kar
rewind - fast forward
