evergreen therapy
March 07, 2003 4:26 a.m.
Hey Bruce...
Sure, NOW you come talk to me...
Well, what did you expect me to do?
Go and talk to Harvey.
It's snowing.
So?
And he lives in Allentown... an hour and half away. Besides, he's never met my Shamokin friends, and you have.
You never introduced me to any of them.
You expected me to introduce my friends to you?
Ok, it would have been a little strange.
Only a little?
Well, maybe really strange. But they already thought you were strange anyway!
Thanks for the ego boost there buster.
You wouldn't have come to talk to me if you wanted an ego boost. Now go back inside before you catch a cold.
I just wanted to be outside. It's so different being back here.
You can be outside anytime you want to at school, it's called hauling your ass up to the patio.
But I can't be alone.
No, I guess you can't be. But then who really ever is? Even when you're alone, people can still get in contact with you. You have your cellphone, your computer, your room phone, your message board, even your friends serve as message takers sometimes. Imagine how I feel. I always have *this* idiot looming over me. He never treats me like an adult, he just looks down at me because I'm younger and smaller and *different* than he is. But, I know how to bend when he breaks. Sure, I'm a little lopsided because of him not letting the sun shine on my one side, but I'm better off than he is. The little ones around here love me! And you gotta admit, I'm good protection for your family.
Except when you come crashing down on us too!
Hey, it doesn't happen that often. Sometime the stress on me is more than I can bear. Something small has gotta snap, or else the whole thing will go. You'd do well to learn from me. Anyway, you didn't come out here to talk about me... what's on your mind?
Mike.
What about him?
I really screwed up didn't I?
What happened? I'm not a psychic here. I leave that metaphysics crap up to Holly and Laurel.
You're kidding me right?
What about Mike?
I didn't even realize I was doing it.
Doing what? You're not giving me a lot to work with here...
Ignoring him. Making him feel less important to me. I didn't mean to do it! It just... happened.
And now what's going on?
He's mad at me. Or upset. Or hurt. Or disappointed. I don't know. They're all pretty bad. I didn't even realize that his spring break is this week. Then I felt like an ass because of it. Now, we're both leaving again in two days and I don't know when I'll get a chance to see him again. Not that he wants to see me anyway. I hurt him, and I never meant to. I have hurt him so much, and I hate myself for it. Maybe I haven't made enough of an effort. I wish I could just freeze our friendship at one point and return to it whenever we get together again. Not have to worry about growing up and maybe even growing apart. He's not the same person he was a year ago. I'm not the same person I was a year ago either. It makes it hard to understand each other. I don't have his new phone number, when my cell phone died I lost his cell phone number, I don't have his address since he moved, and I've never been good at writing emails. The only way I have of keeping in touch with him is IM, and we never seem to be online at the same time these days. I'm afraid I'm losing my best friend, and I'm afraid he's growing out of me. Like a favorite old sweatshirt, it has sentimental value, it just doesn't fit anymore.
What else is going on. There's more than just that.
Well, he brought up Kris. And that hurt. It really hurt. I can see where he's coming from. But having the visit I just had with her, it hurt. It was a pretty lousy visit, and all it served to do was remind me of how different we are. And how little we have in common. For the first time, I felt like a tag-a-long little sister. And I hated it. And now, every time I talk to her, all she talks about is Chris. I love her. But... you know my thing. I hate when my friends start dating people, or anything even remotely like dating, and suddenly that other person is the only thing that they can talk about. It's like the rest of the world stopped mattering.
This isn't just about Mike is it? It's about Kris, and about Jess too.
I guess. I don't want to say anything to either of them about it. They're entitled to live however they want. But, I also don't want to have to hear about their latest fling every time they open their mouths. Sure, major news, I want to hear about. Like, if Jess asks me if I mind him staying for a night, I'm cool with that. But I don't want to spend every night in conversation about him.
But you know it's important to them, don't you?
I know! But that doesn't mean I have to like it!
Oooh... Touchy.
Shuddup.
And what's this that I overheard you telling Amie about your group? Something about gossip?
Are you sure you want to go there?
Quite.
Ok... I love our group of friends, quite a lot. But sometimes we have this tendency to be really hurtful to each other. I complain about everyone. I do my fair share of the gossip. But do I go and tell people later that I was gossiping about them?
I don't know. Do you?
I don't think so. If I do, I wish someone would stop me. I know how hurtful it is when you hear people who are supposed to be your friends badmouthing you. It really hurt my feelings to have my roommate tell me that other people in our group were talking about RA selection and saying I would make a bad one. It hurt me when my roommate complained about me talking to other people about her and things getting back to her second hand, because the same thing happens to me too. I hear Jess's complaints second hand from our friends, hell, how can I NOT? I don't talk to someone so that it gets back to her. I talk to someone so I can get it off my chest and move on. And it hurts me when people question that. Also, people complain about my personality. They talk like it's something that I can change easily. Why can't they just accept that it's who I am. Christy loves her Boybands and her Dawson's Creek and people accept that even though they might not understand that. Jennie is Jennie and they accept that. And Jess is just Jess and people just shrug and accept it. Why can't they do that for me?
I don't know. Maybe they can't understand you. Speaking of accepting people your group, how is Mel doing? Have you talked to her lately?
My mom and I called her the other night. I really miss her. I mean, she still lives right down the hall and everything. But she works so much, and our schedules are so different that it's hard to spend time with her. I miss being close with her. I'm afraid I'm losing her too.
I see... So what are you going to do now?
Go back to school on Sunday afternoon, make it through the last seven weeks of this semester, try to salvage what I can, and try to straighten out what I'm doing, maybe I do need to make some changes. But right now, it's late, and I'm going to go to sleep and forget everything for a little while.
Sleep tight then, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bruce?
Yes?
For a blue spruce, you're pretty good at this.
Thanks.
rewind - fast forward
