my divine secrets
June 25, 2002 11:59 p.m.
"I'm finally beginning to understand where you're coming from. You're a hell of a lot more normal than you have any right to be." ~Conner "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood"I don't think you have any idea what I've been thinking. I doubt you have the slightest inkling of how I've been feeling. You can't begin to understand the depth of my turmoiled emotions, the highs of my good days, the lows of my bad. I know you can't... because even I don't.
I want to be glib and witty. I want to be able to handle myself with new people without freezing in my own fear. I want to drop the act and really be as great as I sometimes see. With every victory, I become painfully aware of the facade that even now begins to crack away.
Pieces of me are falling away, and they refuse to return to the order and beauty I once thought they held. But These pieces are the leftovers maybe... maybe they're not really needed.
I want to say what I feel to people's faces instead of writing it down. I want that courage. I want to not be affraid of alienation. I crave some sense and order in my life. I crave company, yet lock my mind and soul away when I have it. I don't want to be with people, but I'm afraid of being away from them at the same time. I want to sit in a room and watch TV with another human being and not have to say a word, just enjoy that glow of another presence, not have to worry about interacting. Just find comfort.
I want to look forward when I'm walking instead of looking down. I want to be able to make eye contact, smile, and say hello to a person I've never met before without wondering in the back of my mind if they think I'm a freak.
I want to rid myself of my scars, internal and external. I want to be able to say to people, "You did this to me. I hated you for it then, but now I don't know what I feel. I just know I'm not ready to forgive you!" I want to be able to tell my story without people thinking I'm looking for attention. I want to have friends who are willing to listen to me without judging and weighing everything I share.
I want some therapy from a person I don't have to pay to listen to me. For me, talking is therapy, writing is therapy, saying what I feel, think, desire, crave, and despise is the most perplexing experience. Dar Williams wrote,
"And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think - That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink. But, Oh, how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself."
I wish I had the pat answers that would make all my misguided notions and twisted ideas disappear... I wish I could wave a magic wand and make myself perfect. I wish I could be honest with myself. I'll wait, inside me, until it's safe to come out. I know there are a few places that I can trust. As well as a few people. I'm slow to trust, that's true. But when you earn my trust, I'd trust you with my soul. Jess, Mel, Stef, Mike, sometimes Annie, you've guarded me and saved me so many times. You're my anchors in this sea of insanity. But, am I more sane for sailing the storm? I think maybe so. With each passing month, my anchors grow stronger for me. Or maybe it's the other way around... I trust them more, maybe that's it. I can see new people in that old "Support Net" that therapists are always talking about. It's so limited here over the summer. Jackie, Jaime, Jennie, Amie, Annie, Kris, all those people I'm beginning to trust seem so far away...
It's hard letting go of my insecurities, they are as much a part of me as anything else... I don't want to let go to anything that can help me hold on, even if deep inside me I know it's not really helping. I'm too afraid to change, but I'm too afraid to stay the same.
rewind
- fast
forward
