mixtape

I was a part of all that

May 11, 2002 5:09 a.m.

Well the sun rose with so many colors

It nearly broke my heart

And worked me over like a work of art

And I was a part of all that

After All - Dar Williams

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I don't know when I really started to change. Maybe it was after I got to college and started having a real life. But I'm a totally different person from a year ago. Last summer I just lounged around feeling sorry for myself. This summer, I'm working and taking classes, and actually doing something productive and contributing to society in general. That feels like a big step for me. Hell, I might have even made dean's list!

I still have days where I struggle, but not that overwhelming sense of darkness... it's more like the everyday blues that everyone on this planet has at some time or another. And I've learned how to cope with that. Not to just lay in bed and feel pity for myself. To, instead, make myself feel worthy of life. To get out of bed and take a walk. To write that last paper. To make an effort. I think that is the difference. I don't let it control me anymore.

I can sing again. I can sing at the top of my lungs and feel pure joy again as I belt out any damned song I please in the tiny shower stall of my dorm room bathroom where I know about 10 other people can hear me. And I don't give a damn, because it's my life and I'm living it.
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