mixtape

the story of a wave unfurled

May 11, 2002 4:21 a.m.

Well the whole truth

Is like the story of a wave unfurled

But I held the evil of the world

So I stopped the tide

Froze it up from inside

After All - Dar Williams

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Well, I could never tell the whole truth. Honestly, I don't think I ever have, unless I was too wasted to realize I told someone. And, really, I can't yet. Mainly because the statute of limitations hasn't run out yet. Maybe once it does... i think it does when I'm 25. Maybe then I'll be able to talk about it.

You never realize when it's happening how much of an impact something can have on your life. I never thought that things would come back to haunt me like they do. I'm terrified of certain people when I know I shouldn't be. I can't watch some movies without having horrible flashbacks. I read about how other people have let things like this ruin their lives, and I wonder how close I came to that?

I tried to stop feeling. Emotions are a very fluid thing. Imagine your emotions flowing out of a faucet just like the water in the kitchen sink. When you stop that faucet up, when you stop leaking your emotions, you build up pressure. Too much, and eventually, you're going to explode. Or implode. Imploding is worse I think.

Nelson used to tell me that "Anger turned outwards is (something that I can no longer remember goes into this spot), but anger turned inwards is depression." It still makes very little sense to me? So what am I angry at? Or maybe who am I angry at? How does that work? Maybe that's why I want to be a psychologist. So I can find out why I'm so fucked up?
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