You want me to talk to you? I can't. Not anymore. I'm afraid of you, plain and simple.

I'm afraid of myself too.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;

There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;

And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

I'm afraid of the fact that I don't care anymore, and that if I knew I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't try to change that. I'm afraid of the fact that I have enough scar tissue on my body to be noticeable on sight. I'm terrified that the only thing that stops me from hacking myself to bits some nights is the lack of privacy that first floor has in general. Someone almost got one hell of an interesting view the other night.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;

And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."

I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,

But there's a fine, fine line between love

And a waste of your time.

I'm afraid of the fact that you and he presumed to dictate to other people that they have "no right" to be friends with me. I hate that I'm sleeping in the lounge because of this.

I hate the fact that I can't even bring myself to talk to Ness anymore. I just want to self-destruct in private. I want to go home, crawl into my bed, and die.

And knowing all this, I know that I wouldn't be missed until school started in the fall. It makes it sooooo damn tempting. I know you don't understand. You don't have that urge. You don't have that crazy world view that tells you "If I was dead, it would all be fine."

You don't understand it, I know. You can't fathom how I could hate myself so much. You think it's all the fact that I hate you. You think it is a fact that I hate you. But it's not so simple.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.

I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.

For my own sanity, I've got to close the door

And walk away...

Oh...

I don't hate you. I'm just tired of wanting to resolve this, and finding it impossible. I'm just giving up. You think you're losing me. But have you ever had me?

You think I'm always with them... but I'm not. I have locked myself in this room and in my own mind so much lately. You don't get the inside jokes, or the sideways glances because I need them. You don't get the phrases that have become like secret code to us, because that's what they are... secret code. We can't have a conversation... how can I tell you what's going on?!? How can I explain it when I don't even know myself?

All I know is that they have kept me ALIVE this semester. But they haven't tried to fix me... they let me heal or break on my own time. Because I'm not fixable. I'm scarred... sure, I'll heal, but I'll never be as good as new.

There's a fine, fine line between together and APART.

And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.

You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love

And a waste of time.

I'm leaving for this summer. I'm not going to be out here. I'm going to work, and drive to Connecticut, and New Jersey, and spend a hell of a lot of time in Danville with Kris. If I had my way... I wouldn't come back here in the fall. All this would be a moot point, something I'd talk about in 30 years and my children would never believe me. Maybe, if I can take care of myself this summer, and convince myself to come back this fall, we can at least function. But I don't think it will ever be the same as it used to be.